Why Am I An Oxymoron?

I've been an oxymoron in my head ever since I could think. Mum made me behave although inside I was the type to mess up and freak out. And when she wasn't watching, I did.  Spectacularly.  When I got older, I didn't bother hiding.  I am an unconventional person working at one of the most ultra-conventional jobs ever... where people watch and pounce the minute you do something 'not proper'.  I don't wanna do things the way I am expected to... but to please people (and cos I don't really care), I do it. Sometimes.  Other times, I do stuff the way I want to and watch the fallout.  I mean, the time I just had the guts of my car ripped and replaced with an engine that could take me higher... I didn't stop hearing the lectures till I sold the car but I had fun driving it.  My dad blew his top when he drove it (without my knowledge) and found that the thrust was more powerful than the brakes.  I mean, who wants to brake?  We just wanna go faster, don't we? But having a kid kinda put the brakes on me.  I worry cos sometimes I wonder if having me as a parent is good for Dylan.  I mean, I feed him and all but I'm LIBERAL.  Aren't parents supposed to be the guardian (read disciplinarian bodyguard controller) of their children's future?  I'm not permissive but if he wanted to be an artist and hang out in Bali, I don't think I'd go nuts.  But that's okay, isn't it?  BUT this communityI live in is soooooooo proper. Proper parents make their kids make proper choices.  Heh. I'm not proper.